How I Got My Old Job Back
It’s easier than you think.
At 4:45 p.m., I skidded to a halt at a no-parking zone in front of the grocery store. Kid Rock was blasting so loud it was shaking my truck. I shut off the engine, the wind blew my hair, and a bug flew into my mouth.
The grocery store windows were full of beer and cigarette posters. I opened the glass door, and the chime announced my arrival.
I said, “Hello, I’d like my job back.”
My old boss Sam was behind the cash register. He puts his hands on his bald head and gasps. “Phil, what are you doing here? You were fired six months ago. I’m sorry, but we can’t offer you your job back. Plus, there’s a forest fire coming. The town has evacuated.”
“Sam, please reconsider.”
“Dude, you were a horrible cashier. You would constantly give people free condoms, and you kept a snake in the toilet.”
“Those were just little mistakes. I promise I can do better.”
“Phil, please leave my store.”
“Okay, I gave you a chance and you blew it. Sam, if you don’t hire me, I won’t put out the forest fire.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Yesterday, I started a wildfire in the forest. If you hire me, I’ll put out the fire. If you don’t, the fire will burn the town.”
“You’re joking. Right? You started a forest fire for this shitty job?”
“Yes, I did.”
“Okay, Phill. You are hired as shift lead cashier.”
“Wooohoooo!” I shook my butt and raised my hands.
“Alright, you have your job back now please put out the forest fire.”
“Okay, I will.”
I walked outside and pointed at my truck bed full of firefighters. “I abducted all the firefighters in town. I put melatonin in their food and I tied them up. I’ll wake them up now.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?
“Hey guys, wake up!” With a sharp wooden stick, I poked, pushed, and shoved the firefighters for six minutes but no one responded.
“What is going on?” Sam asked.
“They are not waking up.”
“Yeah, that can happen.”
“Gosh, this is so embarrassing. I don’t really have a backup plan.”
Sam stared at me and tilted his head. “This is so stupid,” he said. “You’re really fucking stupid for doing this.”
“Can I still have my job back?” I asked.
“Dude, the Grocery Store is on fire.”
I turned around and noticed flames had engulfed every inch of the town. It was a small town with only one road. Every building was on fire and smoke filled the air.
“Woah, that was fast.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty windy today. I think my car is on fire.”
“Can I have my job back once you’ve recovered from the fire?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Cool, thanks! Also, I’m going to apply for unemployment.”
