A Letter From My Neighbor
His name is Nelson.
Dear John,
Congratulations on your new baby! You will be an excellent father. I never had kids because I despise them, but I imagine having one is beneficial for tax breaks.
I’m reaching out because I would like you to get rid of your baby. He has been devil shrieking for two weeks. He is inconsiderate and has no empathy for the people living around him. Personally, his presence infuriates me.
Some chubby bald-ass baby moves in next door, and you don’t even bother to ask me first? WHAT THE HELL?!
This is worse than selling drugs from your apartment. Actually, I would prefer that because I could conveniently buy drugs next door.
Next time, I demand you ask me at least ten months in advance, long before conception. That way, I can respectfully decline your request.
Do you think this world revolves around you? I live right fucking next to you, and there’s a 2-inch wall separating us. Yes, I expect you to include me in your reproductive decisions.
I hate to be a stickler for the rules, but the child violated clause 2.3 of the building bylaws. The rule states no loud music after 10 p.m., and I’m pretty sure he is covering Megadeth like clockwork.
If he doesn’t shut up in the next 24 hours, I will torture you with the exact opposite of a crying baby, a crying 90-year-old man.
Your baby reminds me of the annoying Maltese dog you adopted two years ago. That filthy animal would bark through the night. I remember having to take sleeping pills, buying noise-canceling headphones, and becoming a registered gun owner.
Have you considered abandoning the kid? I hear a lot of people do it. It’s not too late since he probably won’t even remember you. Whatever you decide, I support you, but only if that decision is abandonment. Remember, if you want an independent son, abandonment is key.
Since I mentioned your old dog, I have something to confess. Your dog didn’t run away, I sold him on Craigslist. I couldn’t handle one more sleepless night, and I didn’t want to go to jail for animal slaughter.
Don’t worry, I would never sell your baby on Craigslist. But I may leave him in a basket at an animal shelter.
Listen, I’m happy for you. I know you and your wife have been trying to have a baby for years since I can hear everything through the walls. However, I didn’t realize that loud sex would lead to a loud baby.
I hate that baby, but you’re alright. But if he continues to cry into his teen years, I’ll have to call the police and possibly child protective services.
As your baby grows up, I plan on being rude to him throughout his life. I will never give him a fist bump or a high five. If he ever knocks on my door to sell anything for a school fundraiser. I’ll take it from his hands without paying. What will he do? He can’t do anything, he’s a kid.
Please don’t invite me to any event with him present. I don’t want to see him. If I see him in the elevator, I will not acknowledge him, and I will silently fart for him to suffer my fumes.
If he ever smiles at me, I will not smile back.
Say hi to your wife for me!
Respectfully,
Nelson
P.S. It would be best if you left the country.
